The Decade According to Steph

So we're already a month and change into 2010 and I'm still trying to figure out what will culturally standout about the last decade. Some people are saying the last decade isn't over yet. I think those people need to form a math club for purists and just keep to themselves.

Event wise a lot happened: 9/11, devasating hurricanes, the first black president. But culturally? What will be our bellbottoms? Our Beatles? Our neon leg warmers and Madonnas? I still haven't quite figured out what we took out of the nineties. People keep saying grunge, but I think it's just because they don't know either. Kurt Cobain just cannot be the cultural lynchpin of an entire decade.

So in the absence of any insight on what was culturally important to the world in the last decade, I'm going to focus on a more important analysis. The decade according to Steph. Here are some random moments from my last ten years.

2000: 12:02 am, January 1st, Madrid. I am nearly crushed in a crowd of rowdy Spaniards shouting Ole! My feet leave the ground momentarily. My life passses before my eyes, and inexplicably, it's in Spanish, so I don't understand any of it.

2001: My boss calls me in the morning before I go in to work, asks if I've seen the news. I turn on the TV to silent journalists and two crumbling towers in New York. I start to cry uncontrollably.

2002: Danny reminds me to put on my "poker face" before we go look at houses, so we'll be able to negotiate a better price. It turns out I don't exactly have a poker face. The third house we walk into I gush, "Oh my god I love it!" The following month we're living in it.

2003: It is four days before my wedding and my mother-in-law has come up to visit. I've left my to-do list on the kitchen table. She takes one look at it and says, "If I had a to-do list that long I'd shoot myself."

2004: I am in a hospital room. Every surface is covered in paper and plastic. A nurse in gloves and a surgical mask takes a pill out of a lead box. The pill will fill me with a radioactive substance that will eat my cancer away. She watches me swallow it. Three days later she measures me with a Geiger counter and tells me I can go home.

2005: I'm sitting on freezing concrete with eight other women, blocking the entrance to the FDA headquarters. Officers from the Deparment of Homeland Security are standing behind us. Reporters in front of us. I've worn my favorite low-rise jeans. As the officers get ready to drag me to the armored truck, I can't stop wondering if my butt crack is showing.

2006: It is the sixth month in a row I think I am pregnant and the sixth month in a row I am not. I have memorized all the signs and symptoms of early pregancy, and I have all of them, every month. I take the little plastic EPT test and smash it under the heel of my shoe like the irritating vermin that it is.

2007: Danny and I are sitting on a sidewalk in Chelsea, sharing a burrito. We're waiting with a hundred other people to get into a tiny improv theater underneath Gristede's grocery store. When we get inside we see that the surprise special guests are Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers. We decide that having dinner on a surface that was likely peed on recently--was totally worth it.

2008: Alisa and I are in an apartment decorated by old superman sheets and cartoon character lunchboxes. We've responded to an ad that said, "Puppet Band needs members: Will train." We sit on a couch watching two men introduce us to various alien puppets. An IV bag filled with red liquid hangs on the wall behind us.

2009: I'm eating quesadillas in a Moscow restaurant, sitting underneath a large wagon wheel. The only words the server and I have in common are, "hello" and "thank you." My heart is broken into a thousand tiny pieces that sit uncomfortably in my chest. I am numb with loss, but I look up on the wall and see a framed picture of Donald Duck, and it makes me laugh.

All in all, it's been a good decade. Sure, I've had some radiation, some heartache, and been sliced open two or three times, but all that pales in comparison to the amount of living, loving and laughing I did in the past ten years.

Some predictions for the next decade. At some point I will:
-Have poop on my hands and not care
-Paint a room red
-Buy a strobe light
-love someone so much I can't see straight
-meet a C-list celebrity
-eat a kiwi
-star in an infomercial

Laming out

I've been ignoring you all. Sorry. All my creative energies are sinking into fashioning a new ending to my book, a new facisination with watercolors and trying to think of things to do that will distract me from wondering every second of every day when we'll be going back to Moscow.



So I'm laming out, and posting one of those MEME surveys I do on Facebook when I'm searching for anything to do other than write dialouge. (Thanks Whitney)



Enjoy:



Things come in threes!
Here's what you're supposed to do...and please do not spoil the fun. Copy, paste in your notes, delete my answers and type in your answers. Then tag a few good friends! The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known things about each other.


(Steph's comment: Over use of exclamation points aside, I have to wonder about the author of this survey. Firstly, I get inappropriately annoyed when people instruct me not to 'spoil the fun.' I highly doubt my failure to pass on this survey would greatly disappoint masses of more fun-loving people. Secondly, I'm pretty sure most people understand the "theory" of this excersize, but I suppose it was nice of them to lay it out for the slow folks in the back.)




Three Names I go by
1. Stephanie
2. Oxcart
3. Bob "The Buttcrack" Jones



Three Jobs I have had in my life
1. Hotel Maid
2. Giant Penguin
3. Crazy Bitch



Three Places I have lived
1. Crete, Illinois (1987-1995)
2. Avignon, France (Summer 1999)
3. Sister Lucille's Psychiatric Institute for the Deeply Disturbed (2005-Present)



Three TV Shows that I watch
1. Dexter
2. Mad Men
3. Local Access channel. (This channel has very important information. For instance, a few years ago I saw an ad put out by Alachua County Animal Control looking for the two women who brought in an injured bat they'd nursed back to health. Turned out the bat had rabies. Since then I'm wary of strange women with foam on their face.)



Three Places I have been
1. Louis the XIVth's bedroom
2. The final resting place of President McKinley
3. A Pornographic video store in France (I didn't buy anything. There was a lot of horse porn though if you're into that. In French, but that might not make a difference because they're horses.)



Three People/Sites that e-mail me regularly
1. Adoptive families magazine
2. My mom
3. Discount Witchcraft Supplies



Three of my favorite Foods
1. Anything with cheese and tomato sauce
2. Anything chocolate
3. Soylent Green


Three things I am Looking Forward to
1. Going back to Russia
2. The 3D Piranha movie I saw a trailer for last night. Spring Break. Blood Thirsty Fish. Concernced Scientists. It's got something for the whole family.
3. My plan for World Domination coming to fruition.



Three of my all-time favorite Songs:
1. King of Carrot Flowers, Neutral Milk Hotel
2. Stinging Velvet, Neko Case
3. Mr. Plow, Homer Simpson


Three top Concert experiences:
1. Camping out for tickets to Dave Matthews (back in the days when people actually physically had to go somewhere to buy tickets to things. I also walked uphill in the snow barefoot for those tickets.)
2. Eighth grade concert band, Calumet Mall Christmas show. We rocked the pants off those jingle jangle holiday tunes!! (Sadly the band broke up shortly thereafter to go to highschool.)
3. Esthero, NYC (Where Candi and I got so drunk I danced with a janitor and rode home on the floor of a cab.)


Three Places you want to see or visit in this lifetime (places you haven't seen or visited):
1. The Grand Canyon
2. London, England
3. I'm using this slot to just wonder what the difference is between "seen" and "visited." Do we really need the distinction here? Does anyone ever say, "You know, I saw Paris, but I wish I would have visited it instead."


Three Things that make your SKIN CRAWL:
1. Spiders of all shapes and sizes, but especially the pregnant ones who throw their overflowing fertility in my face by giving birth to thousands on my kitchen floor.
2. Possums. These nasty creatures are the devil's minions, I promise you.
3. My dog getting her anal glands squeezed at the vet. If I had known anal gland care was part of dog ownership, I might have just gotten a goldfish.




Three Things that calm me down when I am stressed:
1. Narcotics
2. Green Tea
3. A nice walk around the block.



Three Most Dangerous things I have ever done:
1. Skydiving (no wait, Ferris Wheels)
2. Hitchhiked rides from strange men as a teenager (seriously, how am I not chopped up in the trunk of a Toyota Camry somewhere?)
3. Called my mom a bitch when she had a hot curling iron in her hand.



Now, Don't spoil the fun!!!! Keep the survey going!!!
Yay!
It's fun!
really!
Come on!
DO IT!
What's wrong with you?
Don't you like fun?

The Ghost of Christmas Past

Last night I watched A Christmas Carol, the good one, from the eighties when everything was real quality like Munchichis and My Little Ponies.

Anyway, as is the case for most of you I'm sure, Christmas has a special nostalgic quality for me. As a kid, there is no better time than Christmas time. There's like a month-long build-up where you get a piece of chocolate everyday from the advent calendar, school tapers off to making contruction paper chains and practicing songs for the Annual Christmas "show," and you get to scour the Sears catalog picking out everything you could possibly want (and know there's a good chance you're going to get at least some of it.) Throw in Christmas cookies and no school for two weeks and boom, the most wonderful time of the year.

In honor of A Christmas Carol, I took a little tour through my own Christmases of yore.


















Baby smirk. At the tender age of two, I am already skeptical of this whole Santa Claus business with a look that says, "Whatever lady, let's wrap this up so I can crap my pants and hit the KayBee toys to let "Santa" know what I will expect under the tree come Christmas morning.



















Ahhh, lederhosen and black knee socks, Christmas sure ain't what it used to be, I tell you what.




















I have several Santa pictures with me in this pose. I have no idea what that's about, possibly my attempt at being girly. Also, I'm pretty sure my shell-shocked little brother is attempting to flip off the camera. We're very pious, my family.













Christmas: The Teen Years. Decked out in prison stripes and my attempt at a New Wave haircut, I announce to everyone that Christmas is so, like, totally lame. (Please note: Steph and Steve's matching gray stonewash jeans.)














Okay I'm not in this shot, but felt I must include what we lovingly referred to for years as our Charlie Brown Christmas tree. As you can see, my mom (who probably caps off at 5'2'' wearing a top hat) is kneeling, and yet still manages to clear half the tree's height.



















This one has nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas, yet still, it begs to be included. This is me paying a visit to McGruff the Crime dog. I have no idea why he was taking visitors or why they chose a large wicker chair (seriously, try being a serious crimefighter in wicker), but I'm forced to wonder what costume designer interpreted McGruff as a shady canine druglord wearing too-short pants and orthopedic shoes. (Special thanks to mom and grandma for the constant vigilance in keeping my knee socks pulled all the way up.)

I can't wait to look back on Christmas pictures years from now and laugh, What the hell? When did I have pink hair? Is that a hoodie? And slouchy boots? My god, what were we thinking?

Happy Holidays everyone!

Team Apocalypse

The other day my friends Tracy and Pam were showing me their garden. It's a blossoming wonderland of edible fruits, veggies and herbs from which they actually eat things. It's like a little backyard farmer's market. I even went home with a plastic bag full of herbs (not the college kind.)

Pam also had a firewood corral she'd made out of scrap wood. I was impressed. I looked at Tracy and said, "You guys are totally drafted on our apocalypse team."

"Your apocolypse team?"

"Yeah. You know, if there were some sort of global catastrophe, there's a very specific set of skills you'd need in your band of survivors. You'd need your food growers, your carpenters, your weapons people. Everybody adds something."

Tracy was flattered. Then she said, "Wait a minute. What do you add?"

Obviously, I'm the one putting the team together. I don't need to add anything but my charm and natural leadership. (Also the team will occasionally need funny end of the world blogs to keep our spirits up while civilization crumbles around us and we eat our pets for dinner.)

Since, as I've mentioned here before, my husband has quite a fascination, we actually do have a team in mind for when everything hits the fan. Every once in awhile we will actually utter the sentence, "You know, so and so would be really good in an apocalyptic situation."

I thought I'd post this handy guide so that, when the worst happens, you can assemble your own team. (The alternative to the team option is to get a bunch of dogs and guns, find a shack in the middle of the woods, and hope for the best.)


Team Apocalypse

Member #1: The weapons folks. These are the people you know (or suspect) have a cache of light to heavy artillery. You will need weapons when the zombies/infected/bands of rebels show up at the compound.

Member #2: The gardeners. The people who don't need to go to the grocery store to make a salad. Because the team can only survive on cans of navy beans for so long.

Member #3: The person who doesn't throw anything away. This is where the people from the show Hoarders really shine. They can say a big fat I told you so to the rest of the world when their McDonalds Happy Meal Toy collection and old rotary phone comes in handy.

Member #4: McGyver. This is the person who can patch a hole in the roof using spit and an old shirt. It's likely this person also has loads of tools that can also be used as weapons (in case you can't find team member #1).

Member #5: The medic. This person's role is pretty obvious. They'd also be the ones to keep the supply of the suicide pills for when we all decide it's just too much.

Member #6: The philosopher. This person's job is to think deeply about things and assure us there's still a point to it all. If the conclusion is that there is not, in fact, a point to it all, the philosopher alerts the medic to hand out the suicide pills.

Member #7: The psychic lady. Basically to let the team know when things are going to get worse. I say lady because psychic men tend to only deal in communicating with those who have passed on. In a post-apocalyptic world, your team would be inundated with "calls" from beyond the grave and you're not going to have time for that.

Member #8: The drug dealer. There's not a whole lot to do after an apocalypse, so choose a person who deals in a wide variety of recreational substances.

Members #9-13: Children. Not for the continuation of the human race so much as for sneaking into small spaces to forage for food. Also to keep an eye on the compound when all the grown-ups are hanging out with member #8.


Best of luck, and I hope you all are enjoying this festive holiday season!

Steph's Handy One-Stop Christmas Shop

We’ve been back from Moscow for two weeks now and have tumbled out of an emotional spin cycle to find ourselves almost in December.

Moscow was beautiful. It had all the staples; McDonalds, Cinnabon, Starbucks, Sbarro, and a street cart that in Cyrillic looked like it was called “Crapdogs.” The good news about our trip is that Danny and I both had fabulous boots; comfortable, stylish, warm. The boots worked out really great. And in the wise words of Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that.

Now on to business. And that business is helping you get your Christmas shopping done. Right from where you're sitting, because it's my purpose in life to make yours more convenient. So here are some gift ideas for your special someones.

FOR: The on-the-go handy man with a secret wish for a horrible accident.
ITEM: Pocket saw from Haband

Is it just me or does having a saw in your pocket seem like a phenomenally bad idea? Your Haband stretch-waist-khaki trousers aren’t going to keep this thing from slicing into the family jewels. The risk may be worth it though to impress your friends with your ability to saw through straws and carve obscenities into restaurant tables.

FOR: The person who buys their dog Halloween costumes and takes them to see Santa.

ITEM: Dog Flag Collections from the folks at Willabe and Ward.

One flag for every month of the year, gives the recipient the ability to tell the neighborhood that a dog is not just a dog, but a patriotic member of the family who might one day do all the things parents hope for, fall in love, graduate from high school, party in a top hat, sit in an easter basket, and of course, drop acid, dress up like a leprechan and look for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.





FOR: The person who wants to end the office Christmas party early so they can go home and watch People’s Court.
ITEM: Battery Operated Christmas Karoake Microphone

Twenty bucks says one out of ten holiday gatherings will include someone who thinks its a good idea to make the rounds with this little gem. Twenty more bucks says that person will later be found duct taped to the llamas ass in the life size nativity scene.










FOR: The person who, against all cultural cues or pleas from family members, still enjoys Billy the Singing Bass.
ITEM: Singing Walking Turtle

Why confine bad taste to the wall? (Caution: this turtle may come alive at night and whisper messages from Satan in your ear while you sleep.)

FOR: Smokers
(BUT REALLY FOR: College freshmen who want to smoke pot in their dorm room.)
ITEM: Smokeless Ashtray

Isn’t this what the dad in Gremlins invented right before he unintentionally bred a swarm of nasty green scaly monsters? Just askin' (And another warning to be careful with ancient creatures from other continents this holiday season.)




FOR: That friend you suspect might be a sociopath
ITEM: Frog Leather Coin Purses

Because nothing says Happy Holidays better than stuffing loose change into a dead frog. This is quite possibly the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen in my life (which is saying a lot because pickled pigs feet were a staple in my fridge growing up).





FOR: The self conscious woman staying in a bed and breakfast with her new lover.
ITEM: Poo-Pourri

According to the instructions, simply spray three to six squirts of Poo Pourri into the toilet water before doing your business and Voila! turn that excreted Chili Cheese Dog into a scent-sational treat! (Available in a variety of scents.)

(See also: Travel Bidet so your friend can have that fresh feeling wherever they "go")




FOR: The person who spends a sunny Saturday watching all three (uncut) Lord of the Rings movies and then caps that off with an evening of Hot Pockets and World of Warcraft.
ITEM: Gollum and Smeagol Bookends


For the bargain price of $195.00 you can give your friend a nice place to display their Dungeon Masters Guides and Star Wars fan fiction.



FOR: The person who likes to put really dangerous things right next to their crotch
ITEM: No!No! Thermal hair Removal System

This product removes pubic hair by burning it off. The promotional material helpfully reminds us this is “characterized by odor.” I am confused by the name. Seems to me I should not put something exclaiming "No!" (twice) anywhere near my pubic hair. On the upside, No!No! comes in a variety of sleek and stylish colors (so you can look at something pretty while you burn your pubic hair off). Version 2.0 will come with the abillity to dial 911 when you accidentally cauterize your reproductive organs.

There's lots of great stuff out there for everyone, so get shopping! We all need things to sell in our garage sales next summer.