Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Fresh Off the Farm

"Across the lot from our office barn, you'll see the goat pasture, where Charlie frolics and grazes…"

This is the opening line of the mini-newsletter that came in the carton of Country Hen free-range, organic eggs I bought yesterday. I'd never before bought food that came with literature, so I decided to read on.

Charlie, it seems, was happily ruling the roost with his goat girlfriend Sarah, butting heads, basking in the sun, rifling through garbage, that is until Clover the goat showed up. According to "Farm News" Clover is a real asshole; an asshole who harasses everyone on the farm, destroys expensive fencing and continually escapes for trips to Mr. Mike's convenience store whence Dave the farmhand is forced to retrieve her using a snack and (I'm quoting here) "a little trickery."

The newsletter ends with the assurance that, at Country Hen, their quest is to produce the very best egg possible where, "the yolks stand tall and the whites don't run". I can't help but wonder though, what the fuck is going on over at Country Hen Farms? Not once, in the entire issue of "Farm News" did I hear any mention of chickens.

And now every time I crack open one of my Country Fresh, Free-Range Organic eggs, I wonder, where has that Clover gotten off to? And is anyone on the farm paying any attention to the goddamn chickens?

They could be smoking crack and eating their own shit for all we know because everyone on the farm is so damn busy chasing Clover the delinquent goat. How do I know my yolks will stand tall when the chickens that produced them are probably, right this very moment, down at Mr. Mike's chugging 40 ounces of Natty Light while Dave chases Clover around with a sausage?

I am faced with the very real possibility that my breakfast came from crack-smoking, shit-eating, drunk chickens.

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