Sunday, February 10, 2008

Dog Tricks

I moved the phone receiver from my mouth. “Don’t lick that!”

“You know,” my friend Kelly said when I went back to our conversation, “you should collect all the crazy things you have to yell at your dog throughout the day. I bet there’s some funny stuff.”

I considered her idea, and took a brief mental inventory of my favorites.
“Kiddo, leave the poo alone.”
“Kiddo, get your ass off my face.”
and of course, “Kiddo, get your wet nose out of my USB port.”

What really made me decide to start a list though, was something I shouted later that evening, not at the dog, but to Danny in the other room. I was folding laundry and I stopped short when I grabbed my favorite pair of undies from the basket (the pink Hanes Her Ways with the lace waistband).

“God Dammit.”

“What’s up?” Danny said from the kitchen.

“The dog made me another pair of crotchless panties.”

I don’t even know how she gets at them since, to my knowledge, my underwear are always either, a) in the top drawer of my dresser, b) in the hamper behind a closed closet door, c) in the washing machine, d) on me.

I mean I know she’s a very, very sneaky dog and sometimes even seems to possess magical abilities, like how she steals all the cat’s food even though she’s been in the room with us the whole time. Or how she figured out how to open the French Doors that lead into the backyard and also phenagled her way into the covered bathroom trashcans that open with a pedal.

But how in the world she’s managed to eat the crotch out of three pairs of underwear now is completely beyond me. I’m guessing she nibbled at them through the laundry basket holes when I got up to go to the bathroom or answer the phone. But damn— that only leaves a minute or two to jump up from her nap, locate a pair of underwear through the plastic eyelets, consume the crotch of said panties, and sprite back to her napping spot so no one’s the wiser until I pull out the mangled pink cotton that now looks like it came from the “slightly irregular” bin at Fredrick’s of Hollywood.

The undies actually came in handy to wipe off my computer screen which was getting quite dusty. And the dog is currently curled up next to me where I can keep a close eye on her.

But really, I think she just might be the David Blaine of dogs. I swear to god if I go to bed tonight and find a toeless sock and an ace of clubs under my pillow, I’m going to see about booking Kiddo her own street magic special on ABC. It will give a whole new meaning to “Dog Tricks.”

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