Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Anatomy of a Chubby Runner

I can’t even believe I am willingly putting this picture on the internet. It just goes to show how far I will go to get a laugh, even if it’s at my own expense, which it usually is.

Here is one of the pictures of me running in the half-marathon. It was taken by the photographer they hire to capture you in your moment of glory. But we all know from previous blog posts that these images are never the Chariots of Fire snapshots that exist in our imaginations.

Let’s take it from the top shall we?

1. Hair shaped like Cap’n Crunch’s hat is the epitome of high style on the road.
(I forsee this being a new trend a la “The Rachel”---women all over Gainesville will be saying to their stylists, “I’d like the Cap’n Crunch please, as seen on that chubby woman who ran the half-marathon last month.”)

2. The glasses say, “Yeah, I can run 13 miles, but I don’t see so good.”

3. Neck muscles that could run for governor of California.

4. My left hand is saying---I give up, I ain't gonna do shit but limply hang here.

5. Meanwhile, my right hand seems to be threatening it’s cohort… "I’m the CLAW bitch! I’m gonna getcha!!! I got six fingers and I’m a comin!”

6. My bosom (that's right, I said bosom) looks like someone has (poorly) stuffed a scarecrow to make it female, except they ran out of stuffing and got drunk and couldn’t balance on the ladder and so they did a lopsided, shitty job.

7. I just wanted to point out that one of the sweat stains on my chest looks like Florida and the other one looks like Africa, taking a poo, that it hopes will drift across the Atlantic and land on Florida.


James Ford said...

i thought you looked quite graceful and poet- oh shit, who the hell am i kidding. i laughed at you. that's what you get for leaving the comforting bosom (yeah, i said it... somebody had to) of your couch and the warm blue glow of your television.

if it's any consolation i am sure brad pitt cringes when he walks in on the mess that is angelina jolie taking a shit.

Kelly A> said...

You are hilarious Stephanie! People who can write and make people laugh out loud are truly gifted! Keep writing~
Kelly - Fan in Gainesville :)

Fat Girl Going Skinny said...

hope i have a photo of me to laugh at if i finish the nyc half marathon on march 21!!!!! www.chubbywomanruns.blogspot.com

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