Monday, March 3, 2008

File this under: What the F*#k?

This product, Heavenly Handfuls Li’l Monkey Hugs, speaks for itself really, and what it says is…there are people in this world who seriously need something better to do, like planting a tree instead of collecting creepy, fake, baby monkeys (apologies to any readers who collect creepy, fake, baby monkeys.)

However, if you DO NOT have anything better to do than adopt miniature, posable, hand-applied mohair versions of other species’ offspring, by all means order now.

This raises another question though. Don’t you have any better uses for your $29.99 (plus $5.99 shipping and handling)? There are starving children for chrissake; oppressed people to get elected; award winning movies to see; pedicures to get; Sushi to eat.

The product description informs us that “Baby Jingles” is dressed just like a real pampered human baby, “Mommy’s Little Monkey” tee and matching cap, wee baby shoes with tiny little jingle bells. NOTE TO READER: If I ever dress my real pampered human baby in a Mommy’s little monkey tee and matching cap, PLEASE KICK MY ASS.

According to the ad, "Baby Jingles" is a whole new way to fall in love with babies. Which begs the question, who was tired of the old way? Who was sitting around thinking, you know what? I don’t think people love babies anymore. Let’s create a whole new way to fall in love with babies…a tiny posable monkey dressed like it has asshole parents who put bells on its shoes, and put a hat on it but no pants. Now that will make people love babies all over again.

The ad also guarantees my satisfaction for 365 days. I am tempted to buy "Baby Jingles" just to return it. This will be my reason:

To Whom it May Concern:

I bought "Baby Jingles" in the hopes of falling in love with babies. The ad promised a playful newborn monkey who just wants to be “babied.” But it turns out she doesn’t want to do anything but piss in my fruit bowl and throw feces at me when she’s mad. I can’t even get her to play an organ grinder. "Mommy’s Little Monkey" is a real pain in the keister and I want to send this little asshole back to the jungle where she belongs.

Yours Truly,
Swimming in Feces in Florida

Now, I don’t want to step on any toes. The people over at have many other fine products; a Thomas Kincaid night light collection, Disney Princess porcelain bells and a complete line of “Faithful Friend” Dog Themed Tote Bags (which does not include a Jack Russell Terrier tote. Possibly because they realize Jack’s would rather eat the bag than be seen around town with it.)

And just in case you’re still interested, Baby Jingles has a whole line of brothers and sisters coming down the pike. What’s a collection of apes called again? Oh yeah, a shrewdness.

1 comment:

lynn said...

Maybe this is what fans of mon chi chi dolls grew up to collect?

Remember those?