Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A Night in the Life of an Insomniac

You can tell a lot about a class of people by TV programming. For instance, watch TV during the middle of the day. What’s on? A Baby Story, 10 Years Younger, Matlock. The commercials are for diapers, welding school, check cashing services, Life Alert bracelets.

We can conclude from this content that people home during the day are:
a. caring for children
b. retired
c. out of work
d. wish they had children, act like they’re retired, and feel guilty that they probably should get a real job like welding and not spend an entire day posting a blog.

A few nights ago I couldn’t sleep. After many years of insomnia, I have learned that at some point you might as well just get up and do something productive. Like laying on the couch flipping channels.

Since I imagine most people are not privy to what’s on television at 3AM, let me share it with you and maybe we can draw some conclusions about insomniacs as a class. Also, so you can get a taste of the exciting world of middle of the night television.

Channel 60: Coming up—Paint pouring tips

Channel 59: ExtenZE (pronounced ex-ten-ZIE) “What if I told you there was a pill that could extend your special manly area.” I’m not kidding, the girl said, special manly area. Much to Danny’s dismay I will now always use this term in reference to men's manly parts. (It’s better than HOO HOO or HEE-HAW). Watch Ron Jeremy refer to a penis as “down there.”

Channel 58: A poorly animated vegetable support group. Moral of the story: if you don’t eat your vegetables they slowly rot and die which makes them really, really sad. Also they chain smoke and eat a lot of doughnuts.

Channel 55: 700 Club Q&A “When did Satan get to Earth and where did he go when he got here?” (for what it’s worth, my guess is FOX—c’mon Moment of Truth? That show might as well have a snake hosting with a free fruitbasket). Pat Robertson says yoga is spooky.

Channel 54: Pos-T-vac (I am not making this up) Vacuum therapy for that certain someplace.

Channel 48: The cruelest joke of all, the Sleep number bed infomercial. I've seen it a thousand times. “You’ll sleep like a dream for only 6, 543 payments of $79.99!”
Watch this clip without sound and see if you can guess the product.

Channel 46: Kevin Trudeau. The “Natural Cures” guru is convicted for fraud and STILL SELLS BOOKS. Gotta love this guy.

Channel 43: “Just $240.00 buys you the Prophecy Bible.”

Channel 40: Life Magazine presents: Legends of Country (all of whom sing from a barn doorway).

Channel 39: Ted Kennedy, “The numbers have spiked! The numbers have spiked!”

Channel 22: Knife TV, now showing “The Enforcer.”

Channel 21: QVC, my usual lullaby, now selling pants. Selling point: “This zipper goes all the way up ladies, AND the zipper handle folds down flat.” (other features: has leg holes, waist band, is sewn together.) British QVC selling fans.

Channel 18: Jack Van Impe ministries. The upshot: Mosques hate America (cut to shot of Muslims in prayer) buy my book Global 666 where I explain how the government wants to microchip you and form a New World Order (not an electronic band), beginning in April 2009. (I changed my mind, I don’t think the devil went to FOX, I think he went here.) Oh, Jack will also sell you a piece of Jesus' tomb, set in 14 karat gold, for only $199.99 (limited amount folks.)
Watch Rev. Jack's segment on Extra Terrestrial invasion
They’re making millions of trips to earth daily!!!!!!

Channel 15: Two old guys read the bible

Channel 14: The Trikke (a fun way for the whole family to get in shape!)

Channel 12: A middle aged woman reads the bible

Channel 10: Fitness Made Simple. If you haven't heard the classic song, I highly recommend it.
A couple Andy Samberg wannabes had some fun with it.

Channel 9: Saved by the Bell, "No Hope with Dope"

Based on the programming, what can we tell about those of us watching TV in the middle of the night?

Insomniacs are:
a. not very well endowed in the manly department if you know what I mean (wink, wink)
b. gullible
c. extremely religious (or in extreme need of being saved.)
d. non-vegetable eating, fat dope smokers who like scooters.
e. lost souls who desparately want to fall asleep and are glad they're too lazy to get up and get their wallet because they would totally buy the entire Bare Minerals make up set.

1 comment:

James Ford said...

I hate sleeping. Yeah, I'm the one. I went to sleep at 4:00a this morning.

What caught my attention was somewhere you blurred the 700 Club and The Moment Of Truth (a show I believed would be much more interesting if everyone was in high school) and then I realized the only thing that could make that show watchable would be celebrities.

"Ralph Macchio, have you ever used "Wax On, Wax Off" in a pickup line?"

"Regis Philbin, have you ever wanted to punch Kelly Ripa dead in her flapping mouth?"

"Corey Haim, does anyone ever confuse you for Corey Feldman? Oh, I'm sorry, you are Corey Feldman."

I can't believe you somehow missed the one hour quasi-porn infomercial Comedy Central always runs for Girls Gone Wild ("Look Dad, college is like a club with a $20,000 cover charge! And any chance of me being a Supreme Court Justice just got shot to shit.").