Friday, May 30, 2008

Beef Pornography or Undercover Vegetarians?

I've gotten a lot of requests to see the pornographic beef ad mentioned in my last blog. So here it is. If I were a vegetarian, and I wanted to convince people how nasty meat is, I would go undercover at the Beef Marketing Council and come up with ads like this one.

Part two of the series might be...I don't know...flank steak that resembles dimply, stuck together thighs on a hot summer day at the beach....yum.

Seriously, in what universe does this make me want to have anything to do with beef? I can almost smell the overly steamed broccoli...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Danny Made My Fantasy Come True

A couple months ago I divulged to my husband a secret desire. I told him about an urge I get (sometimes more than once a day). I revealed to him my frustration that I simply do not have all the tools I need to get the job done.

I told him my ultimate fantasy. It probably sounded a little crazy. Maybe even ego centric. A little nuts.

But nonetheless, being the team player that he is, Danny harnessed the power of the internet and made my fantasy a reality today.

He bought me a giant corkboard.

I can't remember when or why I got it in my head that I needed an oversized surface on which to stick things. I must admit that more than once a day I get the urge to affix something to cork via a small, sharp apparatus commonly known as a thumbtack.

I come across things in papers and magazines and I want to have them near me. I need them to be my muses.

Like my picture of Mucus Maximus, the Mucinex spokes-spore. Or the clipping about the two legged dog, Faith, that walks around inspiring hope and awe, or the ad laying out the eight compelling reasons why Christ is coming VERY soon (one of the reasons being the vast increase of travel and education. I guess when Jesus comes he's gonna need to get around and catch up on some stuff by way of community ed classes.)

I need my Official Barbie Fan Club membership card from when I was seven and the beef ad from People magazine that can only be described as pornographic.

I need these things. There are hundreds more. I need them all snugly stuck to cork in order to be at peace. And now that dream is a reality. I will build my empire of random nonsense, clipping by clipping.

So Danny, thanks dude.

Behold the glory of the giant corkboard.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Answer This Without Google

Is Wilford Brimley still alive?

I seriously can't remember. I thought he wasn't, but then I saw him on a Liberty Medical commercial today for like diabetes supplies or something.

I suppose I could just Google it, but this is more fun...or morbid and wrong.

So, dead, alive or Disney Hall of Presidents automatron? make the call.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Ways Steph Makes an Ass Out of Herself #467

While in the waiting room at the mechanic, I heard a very loud bzz bzz bzz somewhere very close to me. I thought it was a large beetle. My instinct was to scream and randomly beat at my hair and body until I realized....

wait for it....

it was my cellphone...on vibrate.

So I just answered it. The bzzz bzzz bzzz stopped immediately.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Twenty Things I Learned From My Mom

1. How to do amazing things with a box of Crayola crayons.
2. How to use a curling iron.
3. That it’s rude to call people past nine on a school night.
4. That you should think about other people’s feelings.
5. How to braid hair and use a ponytail holder.
6. How to make egg salad (and tuna salad).
7. To make jokes when things are uncomfortable.
8. That pink tights and a Care Bears shirt DO NOT make an acceptable outfit.
9. How to use a tampon (though it took a lot of practice)
10. How to pee, a.) in the woods, or b.) in a really nasty bathroom.
11. That you do not disrespect your mother when she has just spent an hour helping you get ready for the school Christmas pageant (lesson taught with a much needed slap in my elf face).
12. How to decorate a bathroom even when the wallpaper is peeling and you only have hand-me-down towels.
13. To not take things so hard (I’m still working on that one).
14. How to laugh at myself (in a good way).
15. That sometimes people say mean things because they are jealous.
16. That people won’t like you if you don’t like yourself first.
17. How to tie my shoes (this is probably my most useful life skill so far).
18. That people can be cool, hip and funny even if they are over 30 and their teenage daughters vehemently disagree.
19. That when grandma said a little birdie told her what I’d done at kindergarten that day (ie. Didn’t eat my veggies, refused to get off the swings, chatted all through naptime) the little birdie was actually my teacher (narc).
20. That you can laugh even when life is incredibly hard, sad or otherwise unfunny.

Love you mommy…

Monday, May 5, 2008

What NOT to Get Your Mom for Mother’s Day

This is something of a special edition of the monthly Sunday Coupon Product Parade. I have put together this handy guide for all you sons and daughters out there, lest any of you make a truly hideous mistake this Sunday. Take heed.

1. Mother’s Precious Pearls Pendant
This pendant proves that pearls and gold CAN be a bad thing in this piece of jewelery that looks like dangling alien spawn in a congealed cheese sauce.

2. Farting Teddy Bear
I’m going to give this product a general no. HOWEVER, for my own mother this actually might not be such a bad idea. A few Christmases ago we bought a remote controlled farting machine for my ten year old brother, who thought it was cool and then moved on to his Playstation or X-box or whatever. But the fart machine did not go unused, no less than TWENTY TIMES did I hear the disembodied PHFFFFPHBBT, only to look around and discover my mom doubled over giggling behind the couch.

3.Cat in Egg
I don’t know your mom (unless of course you’re one of my siblings) but I’m willing to bet she doesn’t want to trap an innocently sleeping kitten in a pearlized plastic egg with handset simulated gems. Just a guess.

4. Freedom to Soar pendant
Your mom doesn’t want this

5. Or this

6. Kitty Charm bracelet
I’d stay away from anything feline related. I mean, my mom loves her cat, who coincidentally is a boy named Peaches because they thought it was a girl but then a month later my mom was like, “What are those sacs on the cat’s ass?” Wearing Peaches as a charm bracelet would most likely exacerbate the cat’s existing gender indenity issues.

7. Snow Baby in Shoe
This lovely collectible tells your mom exactly what you think of her. That she’s the type of person that would cover a premie baby in a moss suit and shove it in a high-heeled peep toe.

8. Dogs Make a House a Home--Cuckoo Clock
I’ll be the first to admit that if this came in a Jack Russell Terrier variety I would probably buy it, if only for the kitsch value. (It doesn’t by the way—I checked). But buying a cuckoo clock is a very personal decision. One has to decide, what miniature animal representation would I enjoy honking the time at me every hour? Unless you know your mom’s taste very well, pass this one up.

As for what to get, it's fine to stick to flowers and chocolate. To thank my own mom for squeezing me out of her birth canal all those years ago, after much consideration, I will be having this delivered on Sunday. A mint condition (pre-drunken cheeseburger eating phase) Hasselhoff.