Monday, May 12, 2008

Twenty Things I Learned From My Mom

1. How to do amazing things with a box of Crayola crayons.
2. How to use a curling iron.
3. That it’s rude to call people past nine on a school night.
4. That you should think about other people’s feelings.
5. How to braid hair and use a ponytail holder.
6. How to make egg salad (and tuna salad).
7. To make jokes when things are uncomfortable.
8. That pink tights and a Care Bears shirt DO NOT make an acceptable outfit.
9. How to use a tampon (though it took a lot of practice)
10. How to pee, a.) in the woods, or b.) in a really nasty bathroom.
11. That you do not disrespect your mother when she has just spent an hour helping you get ready for the school Christmas pageant (lesson taught with a much needed slap in my elf face).
12. How to decorate a bathroom even when the wallpaper is peeling and you only have hand-me-down towels.
13. To not take things so hard (I’m still working on that one).
14. How to laugh at myself (in a good way).
15. That sometimes people say mean things because they are jealous.
16. That people won’t like you if you don’t like yourself first.
17. How to tie my shoes (this is probably my most useful life skill so far).
18. That people can be cool, hip and funny even if they are over 30 and their teenage daughters vehemently disagree.
19. That when grandma said a little birdie told her what I’d done at kindergarten that day (ie. Didn’t eat my veggies, refused to get off the swings, chatted all through naptime) the little birdie was actually my teacher (narc).
20. That you can laugh even when life is incredibly hard, sad or otherwise unfunny.

Love you mommy…

1 comment:

James Ford said...

Not to be outdone...

Seventeen Things I Learned From IRON MAN

1. IRON MAN is two hours of gadget porn.
2. Genius can be cool. Take that Dean Kamen!
3. Gwyneth Paltrow looks much much better with strawberry blonde hair.
4. Jeff Bridges looks much much scarier with no hair.
5. More planes should have stripper poles.
6. Billionaires will eat cheeseburgers from a fast food dollar menu.
7. I need a basement lab (or at least man cave home theatre).
8. Stark Industries is so good to its employees that after a three month disappearance his Personal Assistant and Bodyguard/Chauffeur would still have jobs when he got back.
9. Fire Extinguisher robots are cute and funny, STAR WARS robots are not. Compared to the robot comedy in STAR WARS EPISODES I - III, Tony Stark's Fire Extinguisher robot is George Carlin.
10. A Personal Assistant can be used to make up excuses to ditch last night's one night stand thus preventing me to make up stories about "early meetings," "my sick dog" and "helping my friend move."
11. My friend Jon Plant's iPhone is much cooler than Tony Stark's LG phone. Seriously, you're a billionaire, Tony. Did you get that for renewing your account for two years?
12. Being tosses around in the Iron Man armor would be like being in a car wreck IF YOU WERE WEARING THE CAR. Let's see the Geico commercial for that.
13. I need a Jarvis Home Computer system and yes, eventhough I am an American and it's a machine, I want it to sound like a highly educated British butler.
14. Of course Colonel Nick Fury can circumvent billionaire genius/superhero Tony Stark's security system... he's Samuel L Jackson... duh. (You had to stay after the credits for this one).
15. Iron Man = Red & Gold... damn you, Florida State!
16. Stan Lee is literally a pimp.
17. Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.