Monday, May 5, 2008

What NOT to Get Your Mom for Mother’s Day

This is something of a special edition of the monthly Sunday Coupon Product Parade. I have put together this handy guide for all you sons and daughters out there, lest any of you make a truly hideous mistake this Sunday. Take heed.

1. Mother’s Precious Pearls Pendant
This pendant proves that pearls and gold CAN be a bad thing in this piece of jewelery that looks like dangling alien spawn in a congealed cheese sauce.

2. Farting Teddy Bear
I’m going to give this product a general no. HOWEVER, for my own mother this actually might not be such a bad idea. A few Christmases ago we bought a remote controlled farting machine for my ten year old brother, who thought it was cool and then moved on to his Playstation or X-box or whatever. But the fart machine did not go unused, no less than TWENTY TIMES did I hear the disembodied PHFFFFPHBBT, only to look around and discover my mom doubled over giggling behind the couch.

3.Cat in Egg
I don’t know your mom (unless of course you’re one of my siblings) but I’m willing to bet she doesn’t want to trap an innocently sleeping kitten in a pearlized plastic egg with handset simulated gems. Just a guess.

4. Freedom to Soar pendant
Your mom doesn’t want this

5. Or this

6. Kitty Charm bracelet
I’d stay away from anything feline related. I mean, my mom loves her cat, who coincidentally is a boy named Peaches because they thought it was a girl but then a month later my mom was like, “What are those sacs on the cat’s ass?” Wearing Peaches as a charm bracelet would most likely exacerbate the cat’s existing gender indenity issues.

7. Snow Baby in Shoe
This lovely collectible tells your mom exactly what you think of her. That she’s the type of person that would cover a premie baby in a moss suit and shove it in a high-heeled peep toe.

8. Dogs Make a House a Home--Cuckoo Clock
I’ll be the first to admit that if this came in a Jack Russell Terrier variety I would probably buy it, if only for the kitsch value. (It doesn’t by the way—I checked). But buying a cuckoo clock is a very personal decision. One has to decide, what miniature animal representation would I enjoy honking the time at me every hour? Unless you know your mom’s taste very well, pass this one up.

As for what to get, it's fine to stick to flowers and chocolate. To thank my own mom for squeezing me out of her birth canal all those years ago, after much consideration, I will be having this delivered on Sunday. A mint condition (pre-drunken cheeseburger eating phase) Hasselhoff.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Man that David Hasselhoff poster is unattractive even for the 80's!