Wednesday, June 4, 2008

A Guide to Hiring Women

This 1943 Guide to Hiring Women was sent to me by my lovely sister-in-law Irene. She’s amazing. I honestly don’t know how she does it, great career, great kid, fabulous hair. I imagine the trick is to not require sleep (or have copious amounts of crack on hand at all times).

In this guide, the good ol’ boys at Western Properties (WP) have done us the service of listing out helpful tips on how to get more efficiency out of female workers.

I sat down for a little chat with WP to discuss some of their tips.

WP: Pick young married women. They have more sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters yet still have the pep and interest to work hard.

SS: Let me tell you WP, they still have this "pep and interest" because their soul has not yet been eroded by years of marriage, toddlers, teenagers, pee stains on the carpet, and cliché arguments about why the toilet seat should be down.

WP: If you must pick older women, pick women who have worked outside the home at some point. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting and tend to be cantankerous and fussy.

SS: Listen, these “older” women are probably cantankerous and fussy from years of raising your cantankerous and fussy children, and dealing with your cantankerous and fussy ass who pops in from a real estate job at the end of the day and expects a pot roast and martini waiting on the table. And by the way, you’re not fooling anybody, we know that “real estate” means driving around who knows where and eating at greasy diners with your greasy friends.

WP: General experience indicates that, “Husky” girls are more even tempered than their underweight sisters.

SS:'re saying the fat acts as some sort of anger filter or shock absorber? Speaking as a husky gal, I can throw a temper tantrum that ranks up there with the best of them (and I got some weight behind it brother…watch out, I will time clock your skinny ass.)

WP: Retain a physician to give each woman a special examination, one covering female conditions. This reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her physically or mentally unfit for the job.

SS: Just say it man, you’re talking about my VAGINA. Just say that you want to make sure that my vagina won’t make me tumble from my desk in the middle of the day. Or that my vagina won’t drink all your fancy-ass gin. Or that my womanly chasm won’t open up and swallow the entire universe with you in it. Watch out behind you! It's a vagina! HA HA! It's cool WP I'm just playing with you.

WP: Give the female employee a definite day long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes.

SS: I've got news for you WP, the men in your office are not asking you for instructions every few minutes because they are ALL playing World of Warcraft or drafting their picks for fantasy baseball.

WP: Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for female psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick, and wash her hands several times a day.

SS: Oh, WP, you’re so cute. You think they're slipping off to the powder room to primp. Actually it’s because you keep hanging out at their desks all day with your stifling Aqua Velva and creepy grin. Those women slink off to the ladies room because they're tired of hearing how many times your fraternity won the rugby tournament in college and how many pounds you can bench press.

WP: Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

SS: Actually, I just used your ladies room. It is a regular bar brawl in there. I think I just got a tattoo of a train on my ass.

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