Monday, July 14, 2008

One Hell of an Ass

This morning, as my doctor crouched behind me, jiggling my bare ass fat with his fingers, I was thinking about small talk--as in, I couldn't think of any.

It's time again for my yearly cancer scans which means a few days of injections, a dash of radioactivity and an hour of relaxing in a narrow tunnel whose top is inches from my face. Sounds fun right? Not as fun as trying to make conversation when there's a man behind you staring intently at your crack.

I mean, what do you say when a man is mere inches from your twin moons, concentrating intently on the syringe he's about to stick in it?

A wise person would say nothing and let him concentrate on the task at hand. Me on the other hand, hoping to direct the attention away from my butt cheeks, said, "So, seen any good movies lately?"

He didn't take the bait. I contmeplated whether or not to go on anyway, telling him about the movies I've seen lately, since those movies don't include a needle plunging into my ass. But, in a rare moment of discretion, I stopped myself.

The most recent movie I've seen is Hellboy. And when I think about commenting on it, the thing that comes immediately to mind is that I found the bad guy incredibly hot and for the entire movie was considering this: If the evil prince asked me to come down to his sewer lair and spend all of eternity with him, would I go? I'll have to think about it.

I did not think this was appropriate conversation to have with my doctor while he plunged potent chemicals into my glutes. But it's true, the bad guy in Hellboy was hot, in a pale, evil way.

He wasn't all bad really either. I felt he did TRY to convince the tree people to see things his way before killing them. And he had a good point about the giant plant that was destroying a cityblock, it was very beautiful and the last of it's kind. He wasn't totally unreasonable.

And even the super creepy Tooth Fairy critters he unleashed to eat a roomful of well-off New Yorkers, were cute in their own destructive way.

My reverie was broken by my doctor saying I could pull my pants back up and to remember which cheek we did so we can do the other side tomorrow.

I'm going to think of some really good small talk before then.

Any ideas, shoot em my way.

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