Monday, August 18, 2008

Michael Phelps is an Alien (and announcement of events in the real-life Olympics)

I have two theories about Michael Phelps.


My first theory is that he is not a native of earth, but rather some chlorine water planet in a galaxy far, far away. On this planet (let's call it Chlorgar) he has to swim really, really fast in order to escape being imprisoned by the evil jellyfish creatures that have taken control of his homeworld. Tired of bring on the run (er, swim), he put on an ill-fitting human suit and came to earth in search of Olympic glory.


The second theory is that he is a sophisticated robot created by the masterminds at Universal Studios to make people interested in the Olympics again. Think about it, the biggest story about the 2004 Athens Olympics was that there WAS no story, no ratings, nobody cared. And now, all of a sudden there's this swimmer guy who can't be stopped and everyone's tuning in? Something's fishy.


But regardless of whether Mr. Phelps is alien or animatronic, the Olympics have got me thinking about my own personal path to Olympic glory. I perused the list of events to see if any of them could be my road to gold. It can't be anything where I have to be stronger or faster than anyone else so that eliminates all track and field events. I never learned to swim and am slightly afraid of the water so that leaves out anything pool or boat related. Also I probably shouldn't compete in any event where I could shoot my (or anyone else's) eye out.


My options are pretty limited, so Danny and I sat down to think about some Olympic events that would give me, and other normal, non space alien folks, a shot at gold. Feel free to peruse the list of events and start training now.



Real Life Olympiad 2012


Furniture moving: This would hands down be my best event. I'd team up with my mom to crush the competition. Weighing in at just over a hundred pounds, and measuring up to about 5ft 2in., my mom's stature doesn't stop her from inexplicably being able to move couches and heavy appliances down stairs by herself. I've been known to move an armoire or two myself, we're clearly the team to beat here.



Grocery Store Line Choosing: Danny is the favorite here. This event is tricky, because often a line seems the shortest but then you discover the person in front of you has one of every different kind of fresh fruit, forty-two coupons, and insists on counting out exact change. Other obstacles include price checks, shift changes and old ladies with check books.



Parking: I'd draft my friend Lisa for this one. Lisa drives a car I lovingly refer to as "Big Mama." It's a station wagon that seats about twenty-five and Lisa whips it into spaces I wouldn't attempt with my compact car. The second part of this event would be parking sharking. A crowded parking lot, three spaces, four cars, go. (Pick up difficulty points if you have passengers yelling, "There! Right there! No, over THERE! Someone's leaving. Oh wait, sorry they're not leaving.)



E-mail answering: Probably one of Real Life Olympics most stressful events. Imagine the scenario, you've just gotten back from a two week vacation, you open your inbox to two hundred and fifty messages. You must identify and delete the forwarded jokes and Youtube videos, make dinner plans with your friends, pay your overdue bills online, give feedback on everything your colleagues sent you, and answer every single e-mail without accidentally copying your boss on the one where you said you'd rather stick a frilly drink umbrella in your eye than go back to work.



Other events include:

Suitcase and Car Trunk Packing

Texting

Avoiding the check at dinner with friends

Figuring out how to vote on forty five ballot initiatives and amendments

Clothes shopping with toddlers

Driving on I-75

Shit, Shave and Shower Competition

Insect Killing and Disposal



Qualifying rounds will be held next month at Ikea. Stay tuned for more details.



5 comments:

james ford said...

FIRST! i always wanted to yell that on someone's comments.

i was always hoping for bowling to be an olympic sport so someone in my shape could be a gold medalist.

i would, however, compete in the seguinympics for my native country, vietnam.

FURNITURE MOVING - i excel at this but because of my size would not be considered a favorite since i can move many things getting low and leaning my back into them like i am trying to stop the trash compactor in STAR WARS.

GROCERY STORE LINE CHOOSING - i would definitely loose to danny here. i have the very unscientific method of picking the line with the cutest cashier. often these girls are several years below legal and leaves me feeling guity and empty inside.

PARKING - vietnam for the win. i have what natalie refers to as parking karma. this comes from years of my father deploying my brother and i in crowded parking lots to find good spots and then wave him in. nothing pisses of people in a sears parking lot more that finding a ten year old black kid in a choice spot who refuses to move.

EMAIL ANSWERING - i master at this one. a combination of my obsessive compulsive disorder and tech savvy... unless this is doubles with natalie who currently has over two thousand emails in her in box she claims are necessary... because she's going to need to know what crate & barrel had on sale mothers day 2006.

other events i would excel in:

- TEXT MESSAGING WITH ABBREVIATIONS
- DETERMINING HOW MANY DVDs ARE IN A BOX WITHOUT OPENING IT (i can actually do this)
- IDENTIFYING MOVIES BY OPENING CREDITS BEFORE THE TITLE
- PACKING MOVING VANS
- WITTY RETORTS
- FANTASY MOVIE CASTING (sandra bernhard in 101 DALMATIANS is GENIUS).

www.jamesford.wordpress.com

james ford said...

FIRST! i always wanted to yell that on someone's comments.

i was always hoping for bowling to be an olympic sport so someone in my shape could be a gold medalist.

i would, however, compete in the seguinympics for my native country, vietnam.

FURNITURE MOVING - i excel at this but because of my size would not be considered a favorite since i can move many things getting low and leaning my back into them like i am trying to stop the trash compactor in STAR WARS.

GROCERY STORE LINE CHOOSING - i would definitely loose to danny here. i have the very unscientific method of picking the line with the cutest cashier. often these girls are several years below legal and leaves me feeling guity and empty inside.

PARKING - vietnam for the win. i have what natalie refers to as parking karma. this comes from years of my father deploying my brother and i in crowded parking lots to find good spots and then wave him in. nothing pisses of people in a sears parking lot more that finding a ten year old black kid in a choice spot who refuses to move.

EMAIL ANSWERING - i master at this one. a combination of my obsessive compulsive disorder and tech savvy... unless this is doubles with natalie who currently has over two thousand emails in her in box she claims are necessary... because she's going to need to know what crate & barrel had on sale mothers day 2006.

other events i would excel in:

- TEXT MESSAGING WITH ABBREVIATIONS
- DETERMINING HOW MANY DVDs ARE IN A BOX WITHOUT OPENING IT (i can actually do this)
- IDENTIFYING MOVIES BY OPENING CREDITS BEFORE THE TITLE
- PACKING MOVING VANS
- WITTY RETORTS
- FANTASY MOVIE CASTING (sandra bernhard in 101 DALMATIANS is GENIUS).

www.jamesford.wordpress.com

lynn said...

I would own the suitcase/car trunk packing competition. Any takers?

SolDesigns.net said...

I'll take the texting and driving on I-75, actually I combine both! So unsafe, I know, but I would totally own that competition.

Jocelyne said...

I would get my cat Skylar for the Insect killing, I don't see all the dead ones, so he'd be good at the disposal to. Though, with your recent experience, you'd probably be on the podium. For me it would be the driving on I-75. Even though it would be a totally new course for me, after driving in Japan (on the wrong side) and up here in the DC area, I'd be tough to beat. And I could even give a good shot at the texting, now it would have to be with the multi-letter keys, as the full key pad ones are just plain cheating.