Thursday, September 25, 2008

Smart-Ass, Suck-up, Seven Year Old...

I went through my cedar chest today and found these assignments from first grade. I also found a love letter to Jesus and a vampire story I wrote when I was six (look out Stephenie Meyer!) I think it’s funny to see the little seedlings of myself in here. A little bit smart-ass, a little bit suck-up and a dream to play in the major leagues (it could still happen.)


Assignment #1
KNOWING YOURSELF---Taking care of yourself is important and something you will do if you value yourself. Complete the statements below.

1. When I feel well, I… PLAY

2. When I do not feel well I…REST
(Rest? What seven year old says rest? Mother, I’m a bit fatigued, I think I’ll just have a little rest.)


3. When I am encouraged I…DO IT
(Damn straight)

4. When I am discouraged I…THINK ABOUT IT.

5. When I like how I look I…SMILE

6. When I do not like how I look I…FIX IT UP.
(I’m trying to set myself up as a woman of action.)

7. When I am happy I…ACT HAPPY.
(Smart ass. What the hell do you think I do when I’m happy? I act happy goddamn it.)


8. When I am angry I…LET IT OUT
(From this answer we can clearly see that my first grade class has just finished some sort of “feel good about yourself” video where they told us things like when you’re angry “let it out.” I do not remember any video but know that my reality is quite the contrary. I am still holding grudges from around that time. Like how I wasn’t allowed to get cupcakes at the bakery because my grandma said I’d only lick the frosting off even though STEVE was the one who only ate the frosting, I ate the WHOLE cupcake thank you very much. (boy it feels good to let that out.)


9. When I am alone I… FEEL SORT OF SCARED

10. When I’m lonesome I…SORT OF LOOK SAD.
(So basically, were you to happen upon little Stephie sitting alone, you’d find me sort of scared and looking sort of sad. Like a puppy that just got kicked.)


11. When I like myself I…AM PROUD


12. When I do not like myself I…MOOP AROUND
(I’m sure I thought I’d impress the teacher by using the word “mope” but don’t think I got its full effect here.)



The next assignment talked about getting the right balance of nutrition, exercise, work and relaxation.

My favorite foods are: Pizza, Chicken, Oranges
(I am sooooo full of shit. I can’t even recall ever eating an orange as a child, let alone giving it a top three spot in the favorites. Obviously it was the healthiest sounding food, that self-conscious little first grader Steph could think of on the fly.)


I exercise by: doing sit-ups, pushup and stretches
(As of that survey I had never attempted any of those things. Sounds to me like I was recalling what I could from whatever exercise program was on while I waited for the Mickey Mouse club in the morning. Although with pushups apparently I knew it would be unrealistic to make it plural—that’s still true.)

I Always have time for: reading, praying
(What a fucking suck up. Hmmm, let’s see, will Sister Lucille see through my veiled attempt at flattery?)


I have fun when I: play baseball
(I never played baseball)

My hobby is: Reading, Baseball, Coloring
(twenty three years later I still do two out of those three on a regular basis)

Write some goals for yourself you wish would come true
1. I hope I can be a sea diver
2. I hope I can live to a ripe old age (Am I seven or 72?)
3. I hope I can always do good in school.
4. I hope I can have a religious education
5. I hope I can always help others.
6. I hope I can be the first girl to play major league baseball.



We were then instructed to circle the ONE goal we thought could actually become a reality. I would like to meet the person who came up with this piece of early educational genius. Here’s a swell idea, let’s get a bunch of seven year olds to list out all their hopes and dreams and then whittle them down one by one until they’re left with only a single goal in life.
I circled, “do good in school” as my one realistic dream. Aside from the irony of the incorrect grammar of the statement, it’s an interesting choice. I guess even at seven I realized that sea diving in Ohio might be hard to come by. I let go hopes of being in the majors most likely due to my early understanding of sexism and my lack of any athletic ability. I knew that a religious education would not really help me where I was going. And, by the age of seven, I had already given up on the prospect of a long life and forsaken my fellow humans to help their own damn selves.




ARE YOU A STRESS?
The assignment was to think about times when YOUR actions might have caused others stress. However, secure in the knowledge that I couldn’t possibly be causing stress to anyone else, I instead used the page to air my grievances about family and friends.


HOME: Everybody always giggles at me because I’m chubby.


WITH FRIENDS: My best friend keeps bragging about what she has and what she does.

(That was also listed on the SCHOOL line but I crossed it out. Apparently I was sick of hearing what my best friend has and does. In a later section I describe my personality as “Doesn’t like to brag.” Take that, bitch…however when asked to list ways I could improve my personality, I could think of nothing.)



Check out this assignment where you can see a budding little smart ass in the making. (try it at home!)


A. Find a quiet spot out-of-doors. Relax yourself.

B. What you see: car
What you hear: wind rustling in the trees (bet I was particularly proud of that one)
What you Smell: flowers
What you Touch: the grass
What you Taste: an apple


(Again, a huge bushel of crap. I have painted a lovely scene, rustling breeze, grass, flowers, the taste of apple on my tongue. I highly doubt there was even an apple in the house when I did this assignment. Most likely I filled this out while sitting at the dining room table eating chips and dip and inhaling the smoke from grandma’s Virginia Slims.)


Here’s my favorite part though.


C. Did anything hamper your ability to concentrate? Yes, the outdoors

(It’s so perfect. When you go outside, what’s keeping you from being able to concentrate? The Outside asshole! Who can think with all this fucking nature? I never was an outdoorsy kind of girl. I was more of a watch TV and do cross-stitch patterns kind of kid.)



Look for more fun stuff later like report cards with comments like “shows no apparent self control…”





7 comments:

kevin said...

priceless, made my lol irl a few times

MsLisaL said...

look at that smirk. the stephanie we all know and love was there even then. sister mary sunshine never knew what hit her.

Anonymous said...

Um first of all... if you were 7 how old would your brother have been? Maybe that's why he only ate the frosting! And for the record, I don't recall either of us playing much baseball in Ohio! ;)

And by the way, thanks for the clarification on the whole smart ass issue. I was beginning to think that I got all of that from Dad! LOL

james ford said...

when i was seven i wanted to be bruce banner and somehow hoped being exposed to radiation would help me cope with being a small child (because my father enrolled in me in kindergarten when i was four... i still don't know what he was trying to prove).

i like that my solution to my social awkwardness wasn't to work through it but aspire to become an eight-foot green ripped monster and crush my enemies.

in reality, i later learned exposure to dangerously excessive amounts of radiation probably wouldn't have given me superpowers but instead given me cancer and killed me very very slowly.

Anonymous said...

the stress monster will leave me with nightmares..

Jocelyne said...

I just love going through old boxes, they are always fun. And that is something you definitely accumulate in the military, is boxes of "stuff". Soo, what's wrong with eating just the frosting? Isn't the cake part just something to put it on?

SolDesigns.net said...

I couldn't even begin to imagine what my old stuff says, however I do remember clearly having straight A's and an F in conduct, always! I was usually confined to some corner and at times with a rolling blackboard in front of me to avoid distracting the other classmates, but somehow, I managed to get good grades? Not sure how it happened, I must have bullied someone into taking test for me :0) Thanks for the memories!