Monday, October 20, 2008

A Vampire Story

In honor of the upcoming Halloween holiday I thought I’d post this little number I dug out of my archives. It’s a vampire story and my debut in fiction.

Judging from the tri-color lined newsprint it’s written on, I’m going to guess this was written circa first grade.

In my opinion, this vampire story surpasses the Twilight series, mostly because (spoiler alert!) there’s no teenage girl who gets pregnant at the end and insists on having the baby even though she’s puking geysers of blood and the baby is cracking her ribs and she will die when it’s born but, oh lucky for her her husband is a vampire so she can live forever and raising an infant is totally a breeze because vampires don’t require sleep...ANYWAY…

I hope you enjoy “Untitled.” (Author’s commentary is in Parentheses.)

Once upon a trick or treat there was a girl her name was Linda and she was trick or treating.

(I’m pretty sure I thought “once upon a trick or treat” was a wildly charming line that would make my teacher swoon. And second, unless this is Halloween 1965, there’s no little kid named “Linda” probably my teacher’s name was Linda and I was attempting to suck up.)

She came to the first door. She knocked and said trick or treat! The door opened there was a vampire he said aha! You can my victom!
Oh no!
He took her in.
No! I-I-I’m only a little girl!
Anyone can be my victom.

(Note my avant-garde lack of quotation marks or tags to clue the reader in as to who’s speaking. Also, the vampire’s equal opportunity outlook on who could be his victim was before its time.)

There was monsters & goblins and wiches. Were they real? Or were they just big kids all dressed up? The vampire put me in the basement. I looked at my watch it was 10:00! I was suppose to be home by 8:30.

(Let’s forget for a second Linda’s hope that, while the vampire is real, the monsters goblins and “wiches” are just the big kids. Let’s instead focus on my masterful show of the passage of time in this story. Remember that the vampire’s door is the first door our little Linda comes to, so let’s say for the sake of argument that her parents, because they’re assholes, only gave her an hour for candy collecting (never mind that they sent her out alone, this was the early eighties, that was still OK). That would mean that Linda knocked on the vampire’s door at approximately 7:30, at which point he grabs her, puts her in the basement, she looks at her watch, 10:00! (which for dramatic effect, is like 3 in the morning to a first grader.) Either the vampire’s basement exists in some sort of time warp worm hole, or the events that transpired between 7:30 and 10:00pm were just too horrible to recount, OR, I only had one sheet of lined newsprint paper and was trying to move the narrative along so it would all fit on one page.)

I looked and saw a door! It was not locked!

(Here the author has become Linda and realized that, while the vampire is non-discriminating, he isn’t all that smart when it comes to locking up his prey.)

It went threw a spooky haunted hall. And there was a slide at the end that led outside.

(That’s me cranking up the action sequence suspense. Also, keeping in mind my target audience, I thought a slide would be an exciting feature, Linda could escape AND have fun at the same time!)

She ran home and did not daer go to the next door!
The end
or is it? ha! ha! ha!

(That’s me leaving the door open for a sequel)

The general moral I was trying to get across here is do not go trick or treating in a neighborhood where vampires live. And if you do get stuck in a vampire’s time warp basement, look around and see if there happens to be slide that leads outside. But whatever you do, do not dare go to the next door!!!! HA HA HA!

The end (or is it? HA! HA! HA!)

P.S. The picture above is my brother Steve's portrayal of a Welcome Back Cotter inspired devil. I'm pretty sure he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and had nightmares for awhile. Also that trident was a popular playtime accessory for years to come, in such games as, "Poke Down the Wasp Nest" and "Fix Grandma's Hair While She's Sleeping." (Steve has only recently stopped having nightmares after seeing himself in the mirror.)


Jocelyne said...

OK, Prof. Von Helsing, next time I visit Elisa, I was going to stop by. I don't know about that now, as I'll never know which door has the slide.

Yvonne said...

Fantastic story, Steph! I'm so glad that you, I mean Linda, found the door with the slide! Who knows what could have happened! :@

John Halbrook said...

Dear Steph,

I love your stories. I put your blog on my page so you may be getting a few more readers, or fewer, who knows how that works.