Saturday, November 17, 2007

Four Little Ditties

My dermatologist's
answering machine:
It says, "If this is a life-threatening situation, please hang up and dial 911". I'm glad he said that, because I know that when I am in a life-threatening situation like say, a bear is attacking my tent while camping,
the first person I think to call is my dermatologist. And I'd probably even stay on hold hoping he'd pick up, so I'm glad he not only reminded me I should call 911, but also that I should hang up first before doing so. Thanks man.

Modern day research:
If I can't find information on the internet, it either
a) does not exist, or
b) is not worth knowing
If someone has not taken the time to make the information available so I don't have to leave my chair or home but merely string together the correct combination of words to find it on google, then it must not really be that important

Old Ladies in Bagel Shops:
If I were an anthropologist, I would do an entire study about old ladies in bagel shops. This woman moved around in the line as if no one else was taking up that space. She went backwards and forwards to look at the pastry display, check out the salad selection and read the menu. People parted ways for her easier than the red sea parted for Moses. She took not only one, but two or even three free cookie samples from the tray. And she didn't balance on tip toes and delicately pick out a cookie crumb from the tray like everyone else, she took the tray down from it's perch and perused it's contents with her fingertips until she found what she wanted (the much-coveted brownie bits). I cannot wait until I am old enough to do this.

Talking windshield wipers:
Yesterday I saw a commercial for windshield wipers that "talk" to your brakes. According to the manufacturer, when it starts raining the windshield wipers tell the brakes to start drying, so they can stop better. But how can we be sure that's what they're saying? It's more likely the windshield wipers are saying, "Hurry up asshole, I'm getting wet out here!" I've seen enough sci-fi movies to know that I would like my mechanical car parts to just shut the hell up and do their job while I'm driving.

No comments: