Monday, January 26, 2009

How to Call Your Health Insurance Company (in ten easy steps).

Step 1: Press Buttons

Please Press ONE to Speak with a Customer Service Representative
Press TWO if you are a doctor or pharmacist

--If you are calling about mental health benefits, say YES
--If you are calling about the status of a claim, please hang up and try again later.
--If you have just shoved the phone into your eye socket, please hang up and dial 911 (be advised however that frontal lobe damage is not currently covered on your medical plan).

Step 2: Explain the problem

From the beginning, v-e-r-y slowly, and multiple times.

Step 3: Transfer to another department

Explain the problem again. Wait while the representative Googles your particular medical ailment.

Step 4:

Engage in circular argument about whether the problem is

a) your particular medical need
b) the doctor's office
c) the insurance company

(Hint: The correct answer is a combination of a and b)

Step 5: Hold while the representative speaks with a supervisor (aka. plays her online Scrabble turn, writes on her roomate's Facebook wall and goes to the bathroom).

Step 6: The representative will tell you there's really no problem, you are one hundred percent covered for whatever you need. You're smart though, and know this is a BOLD FACED LIE. It's probably the way you're phrasing your question. Try re-wording your original inquiry.

Step 7: Sit patiently while you recieve same bullshit answer, but worded differently.

Step 8: Sigh heavily into your receiver.

Step 9: Bang the phone on the desk multiple times. Make sure to really put your back into it for maximum effect, but be careful not to throw your spine out of alignment, you don't want to have to call these people back for something else.

Step 10: The representitave will ask if there's anything else they can do for you today. Tell them exactly what can they do. For example: Start by taking your codes and claims and forms, stuff them into a burlap sack. Poo in the sack. Drive over to the CEO's office. Dump sack on CEO's desk.

Step 11: Hang up and call again later when your claim is not paid (repeat steps 1-10).

Step 12: Put an end to the slimy, greedy insurance companies. Go to and send our new President a message to support single payer health care and Bill HR 676.

Step 13: Try not to get sick, have any accidents, children, or really leave your house at all until the above is in place.


MsLisaL said...

There's a special place in hell for those whose job it is to figure out all the little and myriad excuses and wiggles that the insurance companies use to get out of paying our claims. May they never know a day's peace.

Jocelyne said...

Next, need to tackle the other insurance companies. Just had a pipe break, and they were all friendly and helpful, until... I reached my deductible, (which didn't take long) then it was like Jekyll and Hyde. I keep getting calls from an adjuster wanting to take pictures, and it's like what part of "I'M OUT OF TOWN" don't you understand, but she's persistent, "you think your cat could open the door?"