Tuesday, January 13, 2009

A Public Service Announcement pertaining to toys that come alive at night.

This "My Twinn (the just-like-me doll)" catalog was brought to my attention by my friend Lisa (she’s an actual friend, not a doll). And after thumbing through it I felt obliged to reiterate a very important point to my readers: These kinds of dolls are deadly and should never, ever, be allowed into your home. They will roam your darkened hallways the second you close your eyes.

Trust me. Look at this doll and tell me that is not the face of evil.

Are there people on the planet who do not think these dolls are creepy? I bet you any money the nightwatchman at the My Twinn factory pays a therapist beaucoup dollars just so he doesn’t go crazy from the nightmares and the pitter patters he hears in the warehouse.

Ways a My Twinn doll could kill you:

1. Deadly royal scepter. There can’t be two queens in the kingdom kids. Little Polly here might not know it yet, but as soon as she climbs into her canopy bed tonight that scepter is going straight into her eyeball.

2. Suffocation. Little twinn Katie’s wry little smile doesn’t fool me one bit, she’s got plans for when that bitch falls asleep.

3. Strangulation by garland. One of these monsters is bad enough, but get two in the same room and they will conspire together. These poor girls don’t stand a chance.

4. Poison. You’ve all heard the toxic toy warnings, these little demons are MADE out of poison. All little twinn Lauren here has to do is let her hand steep in that tea for a minute, wait for big sister to drink, and bam, service for one please.

5. Neck Breaking and/or spinal cord injury. Don’t be fooled by their supposed lack of dexterity. These dolls come highly trained. Think of them as evil miniature Charlie’s Angels.

6. Mortal combat. Just walk away girls. Your dolls are not posing, they are getting ready to take you down.

This is just a horror movie waiting to happen. If you come home and see anything like this in your living room, GET THE FUCK OUT. These ladies mean business.

I hope you all heed this very important advice. One safety precaution to take if you already own one of these little bastards is to get a puppy. I mean the dolls are deadly, but they can only move so fast with a knawed off foot.


MsLisaL said...

Gwen has two.

ContraWhit said...

The Evil Baby that rules them all looks to be the least creepy.

I had no idea these dolls existed. As a parent, I thank you for the well-timed warnings!

james ford said...

where do you find this crazy shit! can't you watch "friends" reruns like everyone else? stop freakin' me out!

Steph said...

Gwen has two?! Sleep tight Lisa. (Note to self: Don't get caught alone at Lisa's house)

Anonymous said...

Ask danny about Talking Tina!...Creepy dolls, they probaly steal your soul and become you..

Peaceful Paths Violence Prevention Program said...

Those dolls have always creeped me out! And check this out--I saw a print ad for it the other day, but I already sent it to my sister. The print ad emphasized it's tiny "hoody." http://www.collectiblestoday.com/ct/product/prdid-300913001.jsp

Nicole said...

You know Steph, you seem to have a serious problem with dolls and talking toys. Is there some childhood horror event you are not telling us about?

Angela said...

All dolls are effin creepy as hell and thank you for letting us know about this current problem so society can go ahead and get therapy sessions set up for their 10 year old.

Anonymous said...

Yes exactly, in some moments I can reveal that I jibe consent to with you, but you may be considering other options.
to the article there is stationary a suspect as you did in the decrease issue of this demand www.google.com/ie?as_q=microsoft money plus home and business 2008 ?
I noticed the phrase you have not used. Or you functioning the pitch-dark methods of development of the resource. I take a week and do necheg
Your Ferrdenants :)