Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Steph's Christmas in July Gift Guide.

From my stash of great products from the Sunday coupon pages, I bring you this handy guide to get started on your Christmas shopping. Because none of us can ever have enough useless crap.

1. For that snarky someone.

You can get Maxine's crabulous humor 365 days a year. It's a bargain at $59.99. The order form says satisfaction guaranteed. I wonder, what could someone possibly be expecting from this product that they wouldn't get? Are there people who write the company two weeks later and say, I'm sorry, but Maxine's humor is not nearly as crabulous as your ad promised...

2. For that special someone.

Show them you have an appreciation for the finer things by treating them to this glittering, Swaroski crystal rendition of everyone's favorite snarky canary.

3. For the LSD user in your life.

I'm sure this product, intended for people who want to add the magestic splendor of the sea to their rumpus room, really just ends up as a novelty gift for friends who do a lot of hallucinogens and lick certain frogs. This could also make for a wonderful conversation piece. Conversations that would most likely start, "Why the f%$k do you have that?"

Another product that unintentionally ends up as gag gift for heavy drug users is the Illuminating Crystal Angel by dream products.

4. If you hate your houseguest/neighbors.
Buy the Elvis cuckoo clock. What better way to remind you that yet another hour of your life has been spent reading useless stuff on the internet than by having the king announce it?

Also consider, The 100 Bell Wind Chime. Musical ringling and jingling of 100 hundred bells and 10 brass pipes at the slightest breeze.

5. For the kids.

Personally, I loved playing with scissors as a kid. As a matter of fact, one of my favotire haircuts, that I lovingly refer to as "the mushroom cloud" was the result of a particulary fun afternoon with grandma's good shears. Imagine the damage I could have done with these bad boys.

Feel free to send your own great gift ideas for the next edition of the gift guide. Until next time, happy shopping.


Phil said...

I've got to get one of those pendants! Wedding anniversary perhaps?

ContraWhit said...

Yeah, the LSD thing looks more than a little phallic to me.

MsLisaL said...

Shouldn't that pendant be made out of yellow crystals? Its not like the crystals are waaayy cheaper than yellow diamonds, for pete's sake.

Dramatic Nautical Splendor looks a lot like a dildo to me. What kind of deep sea diving are they alluding to?