Monday, November 23, 2009

Steph's Handy One-Stop Christmas Shop

We’ve been back from Moscow for two weeks now and have tumbled out of an emotional spin cycle to find ourselves almost in December.

Moscow was beautiful. It had all the staples; McDonalds, Cinnabon, Starbucks, Sbarro, and a street cart that in Cyrillic looked like it was called “Crapdogs.” The good news about our trip is that Danny and I both had fabulous boots; comfortable, stylish, warm. The boots worked out really great. And in the wise words of Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that.

Now on to business. And that business is helping you get your Christmas shopping done. Right from where you're sitting, because it's my purpose in life to make yours more convenient. So here are some gift ideas for your special someones.


FOR: The on-the-go handy man with a secret wish for a horrible accident.
ITEM: Pocket saw from Haband

Is it just me or does having a saw in your pocket seem like a phenomenally bad idea? Your Haband stretch-waist-khaki trousers aren’t going to keep this thing from slicing into the family jewels. The risk may be worth it though to impress your friends with your ability to saw through straws and carve obscenities into restaurant tables.


FOR: The person who buys their dog Halloween costumes and takes them to see Santa.

ITEM: Dog Flag Collections from the folks at Willabe and Ward.

One flag for every month of the year, gives the recipient the ability to tell the neighborhood that a dog is not just a dog, but a patriotic member of the family who might one day do all the things parents hope for, fall in love, graduate from high school, party in a top hat, sit in an easter basket, and of course, drop acid, dress up like a leprechan and look for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.





FOR: The person who wants to end the office Christmas party early so they can go home and watch People’s Court.
ITEM: Battery Operated Christmas Karoake Microphone

Twenty bucks says one out of ten holiday gatherings will include someone who thinks its a good idea to make the rounds with this little gem. Twenty more bucks says that person will later be found duct taped to the llamas ass in the life size nativity scene.










FOR: The person who, against all cultural cues or pleas from family members, still enjoys Billy the Singing Bass.
ITEM: Singing Walking Turtle

Why confine bad taste to the wall? (Caution: this turtle may come alive at night and whisper messages from Satan in your ear while you sleep.)




FOR: Smokers
(BUT REALLY FOR: College freshmen who want to smoke pot in their dorm room.)
ITEM: Smokeless Ashtray

Isn’t this what the dad in Gremlins invented right before he unintentionally bred a swarm of nasty green scaly monsters? Just askin' (And another warning to be careful with ancient creatures from other continents this holiday season.)




FOR: That friend you suspect might be a sociopath
ITEM: Frog Leather Coin Purses

Because nothing says Happy Holidays better than stuffing loose change into a dead frog. This is quite possibly the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen in my life (which is saying a lot because pickled pigs feet were a staple in my fridge growing up).





FOR: The self conscious woman staying in a bed and breakfast with her new lover.
ITEM: Poo-Pourri

According to the instructions, simply spray three to six squirts of Poo Pourri into the toilet water before doing your business and Voila! turn that excreted Chili Cheese Dog into a scent-sational treat! (Available in a variety of scents.)

(See also: Travel Bidet so your friend can have that fresh feeling wherever they "go")




FOR: The person who spends a sunny Saturday watching all three (uncut) Lord of the Rings movies and then caps that off with an evening of Hot Pockets and World of Warcraft.
ITEM: Gollum and Smeagol Bookends


For the bargain price of $195.00 you can give your friend a nice place to display their Dungeon Masters Guides and Star Wars fan fiction.



FOR: The person who likes to put really dangerous things right next to their crotch
ITEM: No!No! Thermal hair Removal System

This product removes pubic hair by burning it off. The promotional material helpfully reminds us this is “characterized by odor.” I am confused by the name. Seems to me I should not put something exclaiming "No!" (twice) anywhere near my pubic hair. On the upside, No!No! comes in a variety of sleek and stylish colors (so you can look at something pretty while you burn your pubic hair off). Version 2.0 will come with the abillity to dial 911 when you accidentally cauterize your reproductive organs.



There's lots of great stuff out there for everyone, so get shopping! We all need things to sell in our garage sales next summer.


5 comments:

Sugared Ellipses... said...

I can't believe that hair removal system is actually from Sephora. It reminds me of something from a company located in Passiac, New Jersey that would be advertised right after the Snuggie at 2 o'clock in the morning. Available for only $19.99, but if you order in the next 10 minutes you get two more free!! How the hell did you find that?

Did I neglect to mention that I'm happy to see that you still have a sense of humor after everything? What strikes me as somewhat ironic is the fact that since you started writing posts on anything having to do with "Russia", the ads that correspond are, "Nice women from Ukraine looking for serious relation". Seriously, that's all Google's got for Russia? How 'bout some caviar? Even those damn little dolls!

That said, it's not like Google has a coherent train of thought to go on. One day it's apocalyptic kids, the next it's Russian fairy tales a la Shockheaded Peter. It's amazing that anything even remotely coherent comes out at all.

MsLisaL said...

I've only got one thing to say ...

CREEPY LITTLE FROG HANDS!

Jocelyne said...

Aww, Steph now everyone knows what they're getting for Christmas! Looks like I'll have to go to my backup plan and break out that list of good ole dependable Ronco items now.

Kornopolous said...

I wonder if the LOTR set comes with a complimentary case of hot pockets?

..or would that come with the WoW upgrade disk?

Anonymous said...

What a great resource!