Monday, April 12, 2010

Breathe Deeply

So let's review shall we? What's been going on in Moscow in the four short weeks since we left there floating on a cloud of baby bliss?

First there were the bombs. Our hearts were heavy. We wondered what it must be like for a city to grieve something like that. What it must feel like to go to work everyday or send your children to school knowing that a man has promised more like it in the days to come? It's unimaginable really. We weren't terrified to go to Moscow. But flying in and out of its main airport and traipsing all over the city, well, the bombings weighed heavily on our hearts and minds.

Then, last week, a woman in Tennessee decided she could no longer handle the seven year old boy she adopted from Russia, so she sent him back to Moscow ALONE with a NOTE saying she no longer wished to parent him. A NOTE! She paid a man $200 to meet him at the airport and drop him off at the Ministry of Education. Russian officials of course went ballistic and threatened to halt all adoptions to America altogether. I first read the story on Friday morning. I read it, removed my computer from my lap and walked into Andre's room. I looked at the crib and the rocking chair and the pretty clouds on the wall and I fell to my knees. I prayed. PRAYED. The bars of the crib became an alter rail where I cried, begged and pleaded to the almighty universe. Please, please, PLEASE let us bring him home.

The cherry on top was the plane crash in Russia the next day. The one where an "aging Russian aircraft" killed 96 people including the president of Poland. I read one story describing how the daughter of the Polish president met the aircraft that carried home the caskets of both her parents. She walked out to the the tarmac, knelt before the coffins and wept. I wept with her.

The waiting alone was hard enough without two national disasters and the threat of closing the adoption program thrown in. I'm sure the Russians on our flight will be super excited to see a couple Americans on their way to adopt a baby. I can only hope that our little love seedling can push through the brambles and get through to the other side. I have to believe that it will.

Somehow I've found a place inside myself that trusts the timeline of my life. For instance, I first started trying to get pregnant four years ago, and I never did. But I wouldn't change one single thing about the past four years, not one. I wouldn't change one thing about any of the years of my life for that matter. So I will trust that this will work out, like everything else has. We are still on schedule to go, and can only do what we've always done, and will continue to do: wait and see what happens. It's the only way to live really, it makes things interesting.


ContraWhit said...

My mom always told me, "There is always war and rumors of war." When she was pregnant with me, she started worrying about the Iran hostage crisis. Then she realized, "Why? There's nothing I can do about this." And she focused on teaching and doing crafts. Like you, she and my father gardened.

I love that you're doing this, Steph, and that you're at a point where you are so accepting and basically surrendering yourself to the universe and Fate. I know for me, letting go and just trusting things will work out how they'll meant to is such a hard thing, but it's always been worth it.

I love you. I love how in the midst of this, you continue to grow and push ahead. You are such a beautiful person.

Phil said...

Less than three weeks after my daughter was born, some idiots flew some planes into some skyscrapers. Sometimes it seems like the world has been in turmoil ever since, but there were tragedies before and tragedies since and love always finds a way, as it will for you :)

Candi said...

I can assure you at least 100 of your closest friends read those stories with you in our hearts. Whatever you go through, wherever life brings you, you are not alone. It isn't the same -- what is? -- but when I was pregnant and newly post-partum I couldn't even read the paper. Too many stories about difficult births, freak accidents or child abuse. Then with some complications -- minor as they were -- I sometimes went down the worried/obsessed road and had to just stop myself and go for a walk with a friend like you. We just have to keep living, huh?

lynn said...

I'm so impressed with your sense of calm and acceptance of the journey ahead. I also believe life works out the way it ought to and to never have regrets. Our life experiences mold us into the people we are today. I wouldn't change a thing about you, friend. And ever since that story broke, my thoughts and hopes have been with you and Danny to be able to bring Andre home safe.